I’d like to offer up a warm welcome to Emily L and thank her for contributing this guest post.
Emily L and I came into contact over at the excellent blog, therulesrevisited.com, which provides advice for women from a rather blunt man, Andrew, who tells it how he sees it. Emily read my post, Girl Game is so Simple and Yet so Hard, and started implementing some of the ideas. Without further ado, I’ll hand the mic to Emily.
[Guest post by Emily L]
Girl Game Really is that Simple
After taking myself off the dating market for a while, I began reading various blogs to better understand navigating relationships, particularly to understand men. I found Han’s post, “Girl Game is so Simple and Yet so Hard,” through another blog I enjoy reading, The Rules Revisited. The skeptic in me thought it was so sexist to preach to women that they needed to be “pretty,” and worst of all was the ridiculous meat-characterizing of people into “leagues.” After all, men should accept a woman just as she is. They shouldn’t be materialistic, nor should they label a woman as being below their league (they’ll fuck her but not want to date her). I’ll admit being guilty of labeling men as “not my type” (aka below my league), but it really hurts when the shoe’s on the other foot!
Right or wrong, that was so barbaric of men to do.
But notwithstanding the barbaric, I never turn down a good [mnemonic] and kept reading about the 5 P’s:
(P1) Pretty — be feminine (heels, long hair, dress sexy yet be classy, etc.), hit the gym
(P2) Personality — don’t be a bitch, be pleasant, interesting, ask questions, listen to what a guy says
(P3) (Not) Picky — be realistic about where you fall in the hierarchy of desirability
(P4) Pick well — if you’re looking for an LTR, come up with a list of things/qualities you want in a man
(P5) Promote yourself — Be social, smile, talk etc., to make yourself approachable
As part of my personal R&D, I examined past relationships. Men I dated were usually smarter than me, attractive, and taller than me in 3″ heels (all requirements), except for the not-smart aberration (rebound guy) who was exactly my height and inappropriately too sexual. I realized that the things they liked about me, or when I got complements most, included when I wore cute dresses and was pleasant around them. I also recalled the most irritating thing male superiors did when I wore my hair down and was dolled up at work–they gave me great projects to work on.
But based on those experiences, I became less skeptical–slightly less skeptical. So in the time when I was prepping myself for going back on the dating market, I practiced with the 5 P’s. I also came up with a 6 month timeline for when I expect to meet a guy, and went right to work! Since my goal is to be in an LTR and ultimately get married, a question I felt was important to ask myself is this: Is this guy someone I’d want to marry. So long as the answer was not no, I proceeded.
The “Date.” [Pretty (P1), Personality (P2), Promote yourself (P5)] I hosted a social event at a bar one evening. I was happy to see Charles (let’s just call him Charles). Charles was the kind of man whose unassuming hotness left me speechless. After, “hi” it was downhill for me from there. I’d met him several months before and his charm, wit, and intelligence were unforgettable. Forget Brad Pitt. Every time I walked away from him, I regretted not shamelessly throwing myself at him. When I saw him standing there, and it was as if God answered my prayers. Light blue shirt, tucked into his gray pants, glasses on. To make a long story short, I said hello to him, and headed across the room to get a drink. I hoped he didn’t consider me rude, but “hi” really was the limit before I fell apart. Maybe ten minutes later, he walked over and we talked. We talked about forming a co-ed basketball team. When I asked him what position he played, he responded, “I can play any position you want.” He was being serious, and I was even more impressed because I enjoy basketball too. There were others who joined our conversation, but we smiled and stared at each other. God had answered my prayers! I knew not lying to my grandmother about “losing” her china and silverware at my tea party when I was eight would pay off some day. God answered my prayers!
A few weeks later Charles invited me out with some others to Curry in a Hurry (my favorite restaurant). God answered my prayers again! I was still in R&D, so I decided to put the 5 P’s to work.
I wore a high-low dress with spaghetti straps, dangling earrings, and low heels (I was too tired to wear higher heels and wanted to be comfy). The dress wasn’t too revealing, but was close-fitting enough to exhibit the goods. I wore a strapless lace bra and matching panties. I also left work early, went to the salon and had my hair/nails done.
[Personality (P2)] I’d gotten past “hi” and advanced to complete sentences by the time he asked me out. I also mustered up the courage to not melt inside every time his brown eyes looked into mine. I was interested, excited, and nervous—he couldn’t have not known. I saw him across the room in a white shirt (untucked), no glasses, and he’d gotten a haircut. Came over, gave me a hug and asked me to go with him. We said hi to a friend of his and found a place to sit and talk. His friend was impressed by how smart I was, he even leaned over to Charles and said, “this girl is really smart.” (Years of school finally paying off.) Fortunately the friend split, and Charles and I talked, and talked. His favorite color is green, he has an older sister, he was really great at basketball, and we had a mutual like for a certain Neil Diamond song. When we were little we both wore braces but tossed our retainers because, technically, they were optional. He doesn’t like cheese. I had trouble falling asleep for a few weeks, and asked him for tips on things I could do. He suggested reading, which surprisingly worked. I made every attempt to listen, and ask questions and learned a lot about him. There were things we had in common, and really impressive and not-so-impressive things we learned about each other. I could tell he was pleasantly surprised that I asked so many get-to-know-you questions, but that was easy because I wanted to know him.
He made it easy, but I was simultaneously melting inside, restraining myself from grabbing and undressing him (it was way too long since I had sex), and yet I was shocked that these P’s actually work. I don’t have the most perfect body, I’m social enough to know that I have a better than average personality and can hold a conversation. For someone who’s self-assured, taking to heart the 5 P’s was humbling and did pinpoint a few things I’d never considered.
[Pretty (P1)] The one P I was most surprised by is Pretty. Time and time again, I notice that men gravitate to pretty women versus not-pretty women. It’s that simple. I know that every woman won’t have a perfectly formed ass, but I really believe in doing the best you can with what you’ve got to realistically attract the kind of man you want. Dressing in a feminine way, wearing heels, hair down; that stuff works. Straight men like feminine women. Heck, gay men probably do too. Actually, my gay guy friends probably have a higher “pretty” standard. The offense I took to my work superiors I now view as a huge complement. In the work environment (or at least the one where I work), someone who looks put-together, displays confidence, and is intelligent is considered a good representative who will get the job done. I also realized this when I remembered the really hot girl getting fired because she was very stupid. I’ve also noticed that women who think they look good, but don’t get along with others probably don’t because of their personality, or other negative factors they’ve overlooked. The other P’s matter, but the physical fixes that embody “Pretty” say a lot more about a person than just the superficial.
[(Not) Picky, (P3), Pick well (P4)] I never had a process for picking well, especially when seemingly good picks can turn out to be bad. A great guy (on paper) would ask me out, we might have dated for a while, but relationships ended either because I didn’t want to get too serious, or he didn’t, or he was an asshole, or I was a bitch. (BTW, being a bitch is bad, unless you want to attract an asshole.) I don’t know the answer to picking well. I know things I can negotiate on, but my current plan is to let him get to know me and if he takes the time to know me and still likes me, we can go from there….
When I was in high school the girls in the locker room would always chat about boys, and in one of those conversations I declared that I’d get married (and lose my virginity) when I was 21 years old. That didn’t happen. It was not because guys didn’t ask me to marry them, but I never had the feeling I knew I wanted to have when the right man asked me to marry him. I dated men over the years and have had great (mind-blowing sex included) and horrible experiences, but I also learned a lot about myself, who I am, and I matured enough to know what I want in a man. I think there’s a lot to be said for getting life experience and really growing up before jumping into what I’d want to be a relationship with my life-long partner.
I also took a realistic look at my life, my accomplishments, and considered things that are essential and important for me to find in a man. Let’s just say that the 22 year-old virgin who married (and is probably soon to be divorced) because she wanted to have sex is not me.
I went on the dating hiatus because I really didn’t want to date the wrong men anymore. There’s nothing worse than dating or having sex with someone you barely like. I’d rather be single than date someone I couldn’t trust, or someone who didn’t respect me. I want a man who wants me for the right reasons. He doesn’t have to be perfect either. I want someone who complements me, and I complement him. We might be better than each other in different ways, but those balance each other out. I want someone who’s not going to laugh at me when I fall, but hold my hand and help me get up.
My next step is to make sure I pick well. Time will tell.
Ultra thanks to Han Solo for his helpful advice, the original post, and the other blog referenced in the original post, The Rules Revisited, where I learned about Just Four Guys.
